Laziest Peon #5 – ACT Regionals

forang deathrattleThe name’s Forang Deathrattle. Well, it wasnt always Deathrattle, you understand, that’s just something I added to make myself sound more dangerous. Us ‘locks have a certain reputation, and Forang Cuddlywuddly doesnt have the same soul-scaring effect.

Me Da was a soldier in the War and afterwards settled outside of Ratchet, to raise worthless wretch of a son (so he would say). Da said a lot of things like “Steel and thunder before meat and slumber!” – I never understood that, I love to sleep!

At a tender age of 30, Da threw me out of the house, saying he’d gotten me some job working for some guy Foreman Thazz’ril up at the Valley of Trials. I guess he expected that seeing all those young, inspired orcs joining the war machine might get me to do the same. I never liked that job – cutting lumber wasnt for me. So, while the Foreman wasnt watching, I would duck behind a tree and get myself some shut-eye. That is, until some youth would smash me noggin with a bludgeon! Man, I hated that job. So I quit.

I saw an opportunity for some quick, easy cash. Those girlies over at the Burning Blade Coven were forever getting themselves whacked on by the young Horde (apparently they stole the Foreman’s Pick – oooo EVIL). So I started acting as muscle, giving the newbies a hard time. It was a laugh. It helped that they were already scared by Thulthun, he’s one of them Felstalkers that the Burning Blade kept around to cause mischief. When things were quiet we’d play “fetch” with them bludgeoning sticks. One day, the head honcho of those cultists, Yarrog Baneshadow, offers to take me under his ‘wing’ and teach me ‘a few things’ – saying that I could go far in the Coven if I let him ‘help’ me. My weirdo-o-meter goes off the chart (bought from Ratchet) and I graciously decline by smashing my fist into his noggin and scallywag it out of that cave. Besides this speel is coming from a guy who’s been stuck in a cave for the last 5 years! I head back to Ratchet, avoiding Da and taking up with Menara Voidrender, a human, but really good at the whole demon-pact-for-power thing.

Still I guess by that tapping of your fingers you’re bored. Ok, ok I’ll stop rambling but you do know its not wise t’annoy a ‘lock right? We can give you the Pox, you know?

Time passes. Deals are made. Demons are broken. Da is happy, but hanging out in Orgrimmar waiting for something to happen was starting to bore me, so I grabs a couple of mates and head down to Gurubashi in Stranglethorn Vale where I hear some sort of tournament is taking place. Along with Thulthun, I bring Kagella Shadowmark (a brutal, bloodthirsty rogue), Broan Charges-the-Fight (one of the cleverest Tauren out there), Voss Treebender (he’s got his uses, but smells of leaves), and a clansman Bloodsoul. Broan was having lady-problems and was glad to get out of Thunder Bluff and he knew two cousins that work well together (for a price) – Bhenn Checks-the-Sky and Doshura Risestrider. All those Tauren, I hoped it didnt rain, they smell when its wet. Somehow, Magister Ashi joined the group – stealthy sod, but he got on well and looked to be helpful.

I wasnt sure how’d we fair, as I hadnt really bothered to learn some of the earth shattering gifts of my tradecraft, nor had I been to any of Onyxia’s Lair, Molten Core or Magtheridon’s Lair. Still, it would be an interesting trip, Bloodsoul is funny as hell when he drinks, and as my Da used to say “Fear is for the enemy.” So we signed up and waited for our names to be called.

First Round: Dizdemona

A fellow warlock, nice! Sure she’s Alliance, but she’s so darn cute. First battle, the demonic cutey placed an Unstable Affliction on me – I think it was something I said – and tried to follow it with a Curse of Agony. I saw that coming (Eye of Kilrogg) and nixed it. Poor Thulthun was feared and began running in circles, but Kagella and Broan held things together nicely (with Bloodsoul acting like a maniac), and despite a second Unstable Affliction (I didnt even know you could have two at once!) they rushed Dizzy and pummelled her into submission.

I think that really annoyed her, because in the second match she just got NASTY. I hadnt even heard of some of the spells she was hurling. Shred Soul? Jar Soul? How is that fair? My guys were either M.I.A. or off in the ether taking a dirt nap. Bloodsoul snuck in some early hits, but Dizzy threw on a Nemesis Skullcap and kept on tankin’. Sarmoth came out to play, but Kagella and Broan double teamed the Voidy back to the nether. That’s when things really broke down for me. With the arena filled with my mates, Dizzy opened a portal to nothing and cast Invoke the Nether! I sat down and scratched my head – where did all the guys go? I managed to find their souls and bring them back – but Dizzy cast it again! Cheeky thing, she actually giggled (in that evil gnomish laugh) as she followed up with an Unstable Affliction, which I shrugged off until it was followed by some Fel Armor. I’m ashamed to say, I cried Uncle.

Third match, the tie-breaker. Ashi, Bloodsoul, Kagella and Broan were back from the Nether and ready for revenge. Dizzy was exhausted and my guys were fresh. It was over quickly.

Second Round: Keegana Silvershield

Another Alliance? Where were all the Hordies? No matter, we’d had a rest and were ready to go. I misjudged the dwarf, she was a stubborn one and refused to go down early. We fought for ages, Bloodsoul lead the way until Parvink and Kulvo Jadefist came out and stymied the attack. Frustrated, I Immolated Keegana, hoping to burn the concentration out of her. Things were close, but then Keegana put out the call for King Magni Bronzebeard! And HE ANSWERED! Who the heck gets their KING to fight for them? Wow … I think I fainted at that stage. Still, the pesky dwarf was still on fire, and I hadnt been hit much so things were looking tight. With victory in sight, I started to dance – then Keegana smiled a smile of pure evil and cast Lay on Hands (top decked)! I cried and conceded.

Second match. Never annoy an orc, we hold grudges. Kagella, Ashi and Bloodsoul charged as soon as they could and Broan brought the pain, inspiring Kagella to once more pummel Keegana. Poor dwarf didnt even have time to blink.

Third match, played out like the first. Korthas Greybeard plonked his shielding butt down and stubbornly refused to budge. I burnt the dwarf once more, but this time she put it out with a Sacred Purification. I was ready for the Lay on Hands this time and used the Eye of Kilrogg to deny the paladin access. Things were progressing nicely, I stood in the middle of the fray throwing around Shadow Bolts and Steal Essence, even managing to put of Magni for a while. That was, until a busy little monkey called A-Me 01 brought him back, along with the Greench. I thought he was a myth! Sourpuss stole my presents until I got rid of him, but the writing was already on the wall and it said “Forang is lazy loser”.

Round Three: Gorebelly

Ok, time for some Horde on Horde, Orc on Orc action. We clasped hands at the start of the match, and joked around about something to do with a gnome, a pint of milk, and a suitcase. Dont ask, I’ve forgotten the details. I think someone forgot to tell Gorebelly the fight was on, cause in the middle of battle he starting suiting up in armour, and what’s with the affiliation for knives? He’s an Orc – use an axe! Felstriker helped keep my guys back, and the Onslaught Girdle and Band of the Ranger-General helped ol’ Gore out, but Kags had already smelt blood.

Second time around, and Gorebelly was more prepared – but he’d already started taking his armour off (someone tell the orc that its not best of 1). Mebbe he thought he wouldnt need it. With the Onslaught Girdle, Stronghold Gauntlets, and Felstriker poor Voss and Bloodsould didnt stand a chance. Gorebelly took down Voss, and then with a Victory Rush demolished Bloodsoul. (Note to self: encourage team to mourn AFTER the fight, not during.) A Mortal Strike took out more of my guys, and Gorebelly charged whomever remained, throwing himself at them with pure orcish abandon. It would have been wonderful to see, had I not been busy trying to find some tricks to bring the match back into a balance. Then Rak Skyfury showed his puny mug, and that just goaded Gorebelly some more. In desperation, I sought out the future with the Eye of Kilrogg, and only discovered that Gorebelly was due to complete either a hunt for Sunken Treasure, or go down to Stranglethorn Vale and help out some Big Game Hunters. It seems the demonic powers had left me. Eventually, Gorebelly ran straight at my face and stabbed me lots of times. It hurt.

Third, third match in a row. Boy was I bushed. Voss came out several times and ignored the Victory Rushes to lay some early smack down. Kagella came for support, but was rushed out before doing any damage. Kagella eventually ran out of support, as Gorebelly was ignoring his flaming skin and running at her teammates. Towards the middle of the match things evened out and both Gorebelly and I were on our last legs. Completing the Big Game Hunter quest, I knew Gore was looking for a Wraith Scythe. He didnt find it, and that left me with a chance. I completed The Name of the Beast and was given access to a second Immolate, which I cast straight away! A second turn in, and I found a Shadow Bolt! Eventually Gorebelly succumbed to the smell of his own burning flesh, but not before dealing me some massive internal injuries.

We shook hands after the match, and went and got drunk together.

Round Four: Phadalus the Enlightened

Space elves? When did they crash their spaceship, and learn shamanism? I thought only us Orcs (and Trolls and Tauren) knew how to shaman. Man, I really have to keep up with the gossip. I liked Phad though, he was fun, and eager to fight. Still, he wasnt paying attention and Kagella, Thulthun and Broan ran at him screaming. Still, he brought out some shiny axes (Axe of the Legion, Wraith Scythe) and his Fire Elemental Totem caused some flaming trouble until I gave Thulthun some Warlock Training and dispelled it.

Second match started well for Phad, he had Kulvo and Brother Rhone to stand in front waving a red flag. Still, Rhone was drained of his life, and Kulvo fell also. Burning was added (once more) and things looked in my favour. Then things turned sour for Phad, he tried bringing out two axes, but fumbled them and ended up chopping off his hands. Dropping the Wraith Scythe, he conceded in the face of my aggression.


After the final battle I took the team out for some ale in Grom’gol, while we waited for the Zeppelin back to Orgrimmar. We toasted Kagella for leading the way in many of the fights, and three cheers for Broan for supporting her. Thulthun got a naga to chew on, and Bloodsoul and I got hammered and set fire to things. Doshura was a quiet achiever, helping out to protect my delicate face and speedily remove some annoying protectors. I think Bhenn had a good time, its hard to tell – but they seem to enjoy Voss’s company, so I’ll likely ask them back. Ashi was a good little soldier, and while he wasnt able to use his stealth, his fortune-telling helped smooth out some decisions. We played hard, either winning or losing a round in under 30mins (for the most part, Keegana and Gorebelly were plain stubborn). I’m glad I learnt Immolate at the last minute, as it made a world of difference, and I’m sure having Thulthun and some Warlock Training will be good against more beat heavy matchups.

I was proud of my team. We came 4th with a score of 3 wins and 1 loss, and we did it without using any rare items, spells or massive allies.

Laziest Peon #5 – ACT Regionals

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